Changes again
8 comments March 4th, 2009
I have put off writing this for weeks. I just couldn’t face it, but it has to be done sooner or later.
My Australian walk isn’t happening. In short, my second book is coming out in October this year (which is really great news, and I am very happy about) but which also means I have a lot of editing to do, not to mention publicity stuff when it actually comes out. I was getting increasingly stressed about how to combine the two, as I had hoped to have the book out slightly earlier which meant I would have had it all done before I left.
But sometimes things are not to be. I have absolutely wonderful publishers who are incredibly supportive of me and what I do, and they have bent over backwards to put the book out this year to free me up so if I want to, I can walk next year.
I don’t know how I feel anymore.
On one hand, I want to walk more than anything. Some days I wake up just craving that space and solitude, the rhythm of desert days.
But time away, time with myself, and lots of long beach walks have made me question exactly why I want to do this one. I was unable to pull together the finance that would have made the students’ trip work, and without that, the walk seemed an empty thing. Maybe it has been the bushfire tragedy that has struck so many places close to my heart, but somehow for the first time my desire to walk just seemed – selfish.
There are a lot of things I want to do in life; not least write lots of books, about all sorts of things, not just myself and walking (thank god, I hear you all say). I also want to have children.
At this point I have to step back and ask myself if doing another long trek is the right thing for me. I remember, long ago, when I was in between desert walks, my Dad asked me: “If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would you do?” Without a moment’s pause, I said: “I would be back on my walk before you could blink.” And I knew it was true, knew that right then, all I wanted was that walk.
I asked myself the same question yesterday, walking along the beach. If I won lottery tomorrow, what would I do?
And I thought: I would buy myself somewhere really nice to write, and spend the next few years churning out all the book ideas that have been brewing in my head in the time that I have been walking.
And that really made me think.
Because if walking is no longer the first thing that pops into my head, then maybe that is why it is not working out for me to do it right now. And if that is the case – then I need to focus on what IS the right thing for me to do.
Maybe all of this sounds weird and hippy trippy, but I am a great believer in doing the right thing for yourself, and I reserve the right to change what that thing is. Five years ago, it was right for me to set off with a backpack and walk 12000km.
Now, maybe it is time to hang up my sandals, and get on with other things.
I am undecided. And the Sahara still sits in the back of my head like an unfinished book. The Australian deserts still call out, and I am still drawn to that walk, the walk in my own country.
But I fly out of Broome in a couple of days and back to Melbourne (bleeuuggh) – although of course I get to be with Graeme and the kids, which is great. And I have the rest of this year to write more books, enjoy the launch of the second one, and think about whether or not I really need another long walk.
See, when I write that, I can’t bear to give it up…
I hope you stay in touch. I know it isn’t so exciting when there is no walk happening; but for now, it is what it is.