constanttrek

update….

October 17th, 2007

I read back over my last post before I wrote this one, and I wondered: where do I start? It is so difficult, sometimes, to explain all of the mental twists and turns one takes in coming to a decision.  Sometimes I read back over this blog and think that it is nothing more than a sketch, leaving out all of the intricacies life throws us.  But then - that is what books are for, I guess, so in the end, here is the place to simply deliver the facts, hopefully with a dose of humour. The detail comes with the book.

After a horrendous period of intense debate, discussion, deliberation and angst, I have taken the most difficult decision of my life: to postpone my walk for eleven months.  I have talked with representatives and contacts in Niger, Libya, and Egypt, all of whom have offered incredible support and assistance.  But the bottom line for me is that I set out to walk from West to East - and at this stage, that is simply not possible.  If I thought that it was likely to remain impossible, I could consider resuming my walk from Libya.  But all of the information from Niger indicates that a resolution is possible, and likely - meaning that if i m prepared to postpone, I can pick up my walk from where I left off - including my treasured camels.  

It is impossible to convey how difficult this decision has been.  Up until the deathknock, I felt I could find a way through.  And I found many wonderful sources of information; I found many avenues that will aid me in the future.  But my bottom line was, I could find no way to achieve my original goal.  And no matter how important walking itself is to me, nor how much I may want to simply put my sandals back on and walk in the desert, I know now from bitter experience that to set off without correct preparation and planning, is simply irresponsible, and a recipe for disaster.  Although I had options to resume my walk from both Libya and Egypt, (in the case of Egypt walking backwards toward my finishing point of the last walk), the bottom line is that a/ I want to achieve my goal of walking West to East; and b/ I do not have the groundwork in place to set up and totally re-equip my expedition from either country, in a short amount of time.

So I finally sat back, bit the bullet, and accepted that my walk is off for a further 11 months.

It is without a doubt, the hardest decision I have ever taken.

My biggest fear was:  will I definitely go back?  If I take this time off, will my drive fade, my ambitions alter  - will I simply decide that this is all finished for me?

But one day walking in the city addessed this for me.

On a whim, and totally lost and unhappy, I walked into the foreign language bookshop.  This time last year, when I visited and asked for CD's on Arabic, there was only one set - woefully inadequate.  this time, there was an entire array, a whole wall, of Arabic language books and CD courses.  Even better, for the first time I saw CD's covering all the different dialects - and the courses were comprehensive, rather than being tourist market stuff.  Suddenly I was immensely excited - I can actually STUDY Arabic! And go back truly fluent!  I picked up these books and CD's and rolled them around in delight, thinking of how brilliant it would be to actually be really able to communicate, rather than stumbling along as I have been.

And suddenly the opportunities began to roll around in my head.  I can finally have the space to write my desert book, rather than just putting it off until a future date.  I can guarantee to my publishers that I will be here for the release date in April of my first book.  I can learn Arabic, PROPERLY, get every visa complication sorted in advance, have the time to pitch for sponsorship properly, and make sure that every bit of equipment works exactly as it should.  I can prepare for this walk in a way that I have never prepared before, and make it WORK.  And all of those thoughts made me believe for the first time, that this is actually a GOOD decision; that I am not letting myself down, or failing, but that in fact I am taking the right and responsible decisions to make my expedition really happen.

And there is the thing.  When I set out from London this was a dream, a jaunt, an idea.  I never really understood what it could become, or where I would get to.  But after walking nearly 12000 km my walk is no longer a jaunt or a travel; it is an expedition that I have sweat blood and tears for, that matters a lot to me, and that I want to see succeed.  And if making that happen means taking eleven months out - then so be it.

Now that I know what I am doing I will keep this website updated more frequently.  This Saturday, I am flying back to the UK.  My father - one of the world's healthiest men - has been stricken down with cancer of the spine, and I guess there is no way to defy the end that is coming.  He is based in Cornwall and I am going, with my sister, to see him.  I don't know how long I will be there and I am glad that I now do not have to think about cutting my time with him short to go back to the desert.

I know that the next year will not be easy, on a whole range of levels.  But I have finally realised that my goal does not have a fixed date of expiry on it; and also that I still, absolutely, believe in what I am doing.  I will go back as soon as circumstances permit - and I WILL finish my walk.

I hope you guys all stay along for the ride. Thankyou for your emails and comments; Heidi, I was incredibly touched by what you wrote, and read it on a day when I really needed to.  I thank everyone who has written emails of support and encouragement over what has been a really tough period.  And I have to say - I am out of it now, and simply excited about what lies ahead.  I know I will make this work.

More soon….once again, thankyou. 

 

 

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