Diary | constanttrek

update….

4 comments October 17th, 2007 03:53pm Paula

I read back over my last post before I wrote this one, and I wondered: where do I start? It is so difficult, sometimes, to explain all of the mental twists and turns one takes in coming to a decision. Sometimes I read back over this blog and think that it is nothing more than a sketch, leaving out all of the intricacies life throws us. But then – that is what books are for, I guess, so in the end, here is the place to simply deliver the facts, hopefully with a dose of humour. The detail comes with the book.

After a horrendous period of intense debate, discussion, deliberation and angst, I have taken the most difficult decision of my life: to postpone my walk for eleven months. I have talked with representatives and contacts in Niger, Libya, and Egypt, all of whom have offered incredible support and assistance. But the bottom line for me is that I set out to walk from West to East – and at this stage, that is simply not possible. If I thought that it was likely to remain impossible, I could consider resuming my walk from Libya. But all of the information from Niger indicates that a resolution is possible, and likely – meaning that if i m prepared to postpone, I can pick up my walk from where I left off – including my treasured camels.

It is impossible to convey how difficult this decision has been. Up until the deathknock, I felt I could find a way through. And I found many wonderful sources of information; I found many avenues that will aid me in the future. But my bottom line was, I could find no way to achieve my original goal. And no matter how important walking itself is to me, nor how much I may want to simply put my sandals back on and walk in the desert, I know now from bitter experience that to set off without correct preparation and planning, is simply irresponsible, and a recipe for disaster. Although I had options to resume my walk from both Libya and Egypt, (in the case of Egypt walking backwards toward my finishing point of the last walk), the bottom line is that a/ I want to achieve my goal of walking West to East; and b/ I do not have the groundwork in place to set up and totally re-equip my expedition from either country, in a short amount of time.

So I finally sat back, bit the bullet, and accepted that my walk is off for a further 11 months.

It is without a doubt, the hardest decision I have ever taken.

My biggest fear was: will I definitely go back? If I take this time off, will my drive fade, my ambitions alter – will I simply decide that this is all finished for me?

But one day walking in the city addessed this for me.

On a whim, and totally lost and unhappy, I walked into the foreign language bookshop. This time last year, when I visited and asked for CD's on Arabic, there was only one set – woefully inadequate. this time, there was an entire array, a whole wall, of Arabic language books and CD courses. Even better, for the first time I saw CD's covering all the different dialects – and the courses were comprehensive, rather than being tourist market stuff. Suddenly I was immensely excited – I can actually STUDY Arabic! And go back truly fluent! I picked up these books and CD's and rolled them around in delight, thinking of how brilliant it would be to actually be really able to communicate, rather than stumbling along as I have been.

And suddenly the opportunities began to roll around in my head. I can finally have the space to write my desert book, rather than just putting it off until a future date. I can guarantee to my publishers that I will be here for the release date in April of my first book. I can learn Arabic, PROPERLY, get every visa complication sorted in advance, have the time to pitch for sponsorship properly, and make sure that every bit of equipment works exactly as it should. I can prepare for this walk in a way that I have never prepared before, and make it WORK. And all of those thoughts made me believe for the first time, that this is actually a GOOD decision; that I am not letting myself down, or failing, but that in fact I am taking the right and responsible decisions to make my expedition really happen.

And there is the thing. When I set out from London this was a dream, a jaunt, an idea. I never really understood what it could become, or where I would get to. But after walking nearly 12000 km my walk is no longer a jaunt or a travel; it is an expedition that I have sweat blood and tears for, that matters a lot to me, and that I want to see succeed. And if making that happen means taking eleven months out – then so be it.

Now that I know what I am doing I will keep this website updated more frequently. This Saturday, I am flying back to the UK. My father – one of the world's healthiest men – has been stricken down with cancer of the spine, and I guess there is no way to defy the end that is coming. He is based in Cornwall and I am going, with my sister, to see him. I don't know how long I will be there and I am glad that I now do not have to think about cutting my time with him short to go back to the desert.

I know that the next year will not be easy, on a whole range of levels. But I have finally realised that my goal does not have a fixed date of expiry on it; and also that I still, absolutely, believe in what I am doing. I will go back as soon as circumstances permit – and I WILL finish my walk.

I hope you guys all stay along for the ride. Thankyou for your emails and comments; Heidi, I was incredibly touched by what you wrote, and read it on a day when I really needed to. I thank everyone who has written emails of support and encouragement over what has been a really tough period. And I have to say – I am out of it now, and simply excited about what lies ahead. I know I will make this work.

More soon….once again, thankyou.

where to go from here

2 comments October 1st, 2007 04:51am Paula

When I am back in Australia – or the UK – I know that my posts are frustratingly sporadic. This is often because I feel as if what I have to say is pretty boring when I am not walking; and also because I don't like to make everyone party to the million small struggles that occur as I try to get the walk back up and running. But I think a full update might be due.

I have been planning, ever since I came back, to return to the UK and then Africa on October 20th. I have waited with bated breath for every update from the Niger authorities and the wonderful Guy Villeneuve, Canadian consul to Niger who was so helpful to me when I was there. But every bulletin has brought no good news, and the situation has seemed to remain fairly desperate.

I have tried to work out the logistics of getting into Libya and continuing there; but seem stonewalled on every front, as I can't even get to my camels to ship them up North at the moment, and the Southern region of Libya is also unsafe. Added to this, I feel immensely frustrated at the thought of having to miss such a huge chunk of my walk at such a vital stage.

Then there has been the usual hassles of funding; but I have felt loathe to head into pitching strongly, until I have a firm view on what is happening out there, and can guarantee sponsors a return on their bucks.

I have waited as long as I can, and this week yet more bad news came through from Niger, and I felt despondent and lacklustre.

But I went to Adelaide last week to address the last of the Birkenstock retailers and their audiences. I love doing Birkenstock presentations; the people are always wonderful, and it takes me back to the desert and the walk and I always leave feeling reinvigorated.

And suddenly I just got – well – plain mad.

I have NOT come this far to get stonewalled. I think some part of me has been sitting back and just hoping for the best, hoping that things will improve, hoping, somehow, that I will just get there. And now, three weeks out from my fly date, it just aint happening. For family reasons not necessary to explain here, I must return to the UK regardless on the 20th for a brief time. I am not deciding – up until the day I go – to cross this walk out, not until I have lobbied every sodding individual on the face of this earth as hard and often as I can, and explored every single option that even vaguely presents itself. I think about putting it off for a year; and if I must, I will; but that has to remain the absolute last resort.

There are several problems. One is that my book comes out next May. That means that I have to be back here then to fulfil my obligations to random House, the publishers. This precludes me puttiing the walk off until Christmas. The second is that because I have not got funding at this stage, I am still totally broke – something that I refuse to worry about at this point, but which is unsettling, even though ultimately, I believe, solvable.

But there are a million other considerations. If my camels must remain in Niger, do I want to go into Libya and pay out a colossal sum of money – in a hurry – to set the whole expedition up again, when I will still be missing a vast chunk of my walk and thus not achieving my original goal? Even worse – I would be setting myself up in a new and strange country, without contacts, in a hurry. A recipe for disaster, in my book, and I am doing all I can do find people who may be able to assist.

I think about putting things on hold, and about the other options

- like perhaps doing the Australian walk this year and going back to Niger next year. And I can't say that it doesn't appeal, in the face of all the problems.

But I feel furious and resentful about this; and, I confess, slightly bloody minded. At what point is "putting off", really "giving up"? Sure I see that I cannot fight political instability. But in my heart I know damn well that if I could just get on the ground, and hire local nomads who know the route and understand the conflict, that I could get through that territory safe as houses. But since I am now known to authorities and Guy has vouched for me, any nefarious ideas I may harbour in the dark nights aren't really an option, no matter how tempting.

And I can't just give it away. I have held onto this dream so hard and for so long that to let it go is a mammoth task. Only a couple of days ago, I had decided that fighting on was futile, that I had best simply cut my losses and put it on hold. But I woke the following morning with new ideas and impulses surging through my brain and I thought: no way. Until I know without any shred of doubt that every single option is gone – I do NOT let this go. And there it is – I still want this. I want it so much it hurts. I miss my walk. I miss my camels. I AM BLOODY WELL NOT DONE YET.

I walk around Melbourne endlessly, pounding the pavement and drinking too much coffee, thoughts churning in my brain and ideas cropping up and being discarded. I have been through the now familiar cycle of despair, despondency, depression, too much booze, and guilt and low self esteem. I know the way this stuff works, now, after three years of going and coming back. I try to ride it out, cry the tears and not put it on my family and friends too much. I know also now that no matter how well adjusted I may think I am when I get back, that it takes some months for the experiences to really filter through, and my equilibrium to restore. This process has been even tougher this time as I have tried to explain my walk in the media, something which is often difficult, and frequently is misinterpreted. At times I have felt as if my walk has been hijacked in some way, that I myself have been taken over by other's perceptions of what my walk is and what I do.

But when I wake up in the night and the walk is storming through my brain, I don't think about any of that. I lie there and I think – is this over for me? Am I done yet? Is this still what I really want to do, what I am MEANT to do, or am I just being stubborn and obstructive? Do I need to let this go now?

And from deep inside me – every time – comes a resounding NO. This walk is hard, yes. My God, it is the hardest thing I have ever done, on levels that I find difficult to explain even to those closest to me. And I don't always enjoy being out there, or feel confident in my abilities to make it through. But for some bizarre, unfathomable reason – it is still what I WANT to do. And a part of me will never, ever rest until it is done. I can't give it up. It is who I am and what I do, and I will not allow that to die, no matter what.

It may end up that this gets put on hold – even for a couple of months. At the moment it seems I face concrete no matter where I turn. But in some strange way, I feel more motivated and passionate about it now than I have from the day I returned. Maybe in some strange way it is because for the first time I am facing the fact that someone else is making the decisions; that it isn't ME controlling whether or not I go back, but external influences. And that makes me as mad and determined as hell.

I said once that I wouldn't let this walk take over my life; that I wouldn't dwell in a stagnant place, or let it govern my existence. But by the same token, I am stuffed if I am giving up because the going got tough. And I think it is worth fighting for.

So if you are wondering what is going on back here in Australia; well, I walk, and I eat (a LOT), and I dream and scheme and write and pitch and plan. i discuss every option with my friend and mentor Graeme Joy, and we try to plan a way around the obstacles. I cry and I rant to my mother and she cooks and listens and is the most wonderful person on the face of this earth. I talk to my sister and I talk to my mates, and everyone has ideas, and they all persevere with me even when I think I must drive them up the wall and back again.

And I thank you all for that.

I don't know what is coming from here and I cannot make any guarantees. But I know one thing:

I will NOT give up. Not now, not ever.

And I don't want to.

On that note….must be time for cake.

NOVA Article

Add comment September 24th, 2007 08:42pm cyberhobo

This article appeared in the September 2007 issue of NOVA Magazine.

Adelaide Matters Article

Add comment September 24th, 2007 08:32pm cyberhobo

This article appeared in the September 2007 edition of Adelaide Matters.

Long time no talk…

2 comments September 3rd, 2007 05:48am Paula

I am sorry it has been such a long break between posts. Sometimes it feels like I got off the plane, onto a merry-go-round, and haven't yet found the stop button. But it is all good stuff, and I guess it is about time I let you know what has been happening.

Firstly, after three years of walking without any media interest whatsoever, I finally got some coverage – some of which you can see on the news section of this site. This has largely been orchestrated by Birkenstock Australia, who have been absolutely magnificent in their support of me and my walk. I have been doing presentations in their outlets around Australia – this photograph was taken in the Perth Subiaco B-store, where I was last week. I was incredibly fortunate to stay with Angela, who works with Mike, the manager, in a consulting capacity – and many fine bottles of wine and a great time was had by all! The reception at all the B-stores, and in Perth especially, has been just fantastic – they even have my old shoes on display in the window. Poor, downtrodden things that they look….

I also spoke at a Perth luncheon – the Chick Chat, a meeting a business and entrepeneurial local women. I found it a truly brilliant event – not only because it is sponsored by Veuve Cliquot! – and met a range of fascinating women. There is something so warm and inspiring about being in a room of achieving, strong women – it really is a fantastic experience.

I have become more accustomed to presenting, and now I am working through an agency called Saxton's Speakers Bureau, who will handle booking me out. It has been a huge learning curve for me to get to a point where I am really comfortable standing up in front of an audience and speaking about my walk; it is also incredibly difficult to distill my years of walking into a forty five minute presentation. But I find it tremendously rewarding to do, and also, to some degree, therapeutic.

In addition to all these lovely happenings, my first book has finally been bought by Random House, and is due for release in May next year. The second is in the birthing process just now. I have been so close with publishing contracts over the last couple of years – I seemed so many times to get right to the point of signing, only to have it fall down over editorial or other detail. Finally I have a publisher who is genuinely enthusiastic about my work and is not trying to change its original flavour, which has been enormously satisfying. I have learned a lot about the way publishers work, and the final outcome has made me incredibly glad that I have stuck to my guns over the way I want the book to be. I guess that in the end it is my story, and I want it to be told my way, rather than have it moulded and shaped to fit a genre or a particular market. I wrote it the way I wanted it, and I still feel proud of it; so to know that it will come out as I planned is immensely pleasing. I can't wait to see it in print next May!

I went to a luncheon with Saxtons last Friday, and the guest speaker there was a man named William Tan. He is rather incredible; crippled by polio as a child, he has gone on to become a doctor, and, most recently, complete 7 marathons on 7 continents in one three month period – all in a wheelchair. One of those was in the North Pole. He has raised some 8 million dollars for charity and is, quite frankly, a total inspiration. It did me so much good to hear him; I felt very emotional throughout his speech, and being the huge wet sock I am, found myself with tears running down my cheeks a lot. No matter how long I have been doing this for, there are still so many days when I wonder if I will ever get the money together to finish it, or how I will actually manage to put myself back in that environment and walk a further 3,700km. Hearing William made me realise again that all of these things are just hurdles that I have overcome before, and will again; the hurdles always seem so much more insurmountable than they really are, and all it takes is just DOING it to make it happen.

I need to remind myself of this often. After the initial euphoria of being home, there is an inevitable downturn when all the detail of organisation – AGAIN – sinks in, and the list seems ridiculously long, and funds horrifically short. An uncomfortable fact of this kind of expedition is that while the media may become involved, and sponsors, none of that involvement actually equates to an income for me – which means that I need to be working. That has been the background to working up presentations with Saxtons, which actually brings in an income; but it also means that when I am putting in time to do those, or the commitments for Birkenstock, I am unable to pitch for more funding for the walk. Sometimes, and especially as the leaving date comes closer, that can feeling daunting and distressing, and one wonders exactly where it is all going to go.

So listening to Dr Tan and realising that he has gone through that process, over and over, and also had it all happen at the last minute; that he understands how unsettling it can be having a ticket booked, but no guarantee about either the military situation or finances, was tremendously reassuring. And I look and see exactly how much he has achieved and think – yep, Paula, you CAN do it, just hang in there.

You would have thought I'd have learned that by now; but it seriously never hurts to hear it again. No matter what has gone before, doubts always seem to lie ahead, and "Real Life" with all its mundane concerns can be just as stressful as dealing with Tuareg chiefs and rotten guides. More so, I often think.

But beneath all of those concerns has lain the wonderful support and encouragement I have from my Mum, my mates, and people around me. And the enormous comfort of being in the home environs, of being able to stroll through the hills or put on a pair of skis for the day – this is just so cool and so much FUN, I love it. I can't wait to get back and finish my walk; but I will be thinking every day of when I can finally come back to Australia, also. Talk about rediscovering your roots – I just love it back here, not least because of the sheer magnificence of the country itself. Just so beautiful.

At this stage I am booked to return on October 20th. The list is, as ever, longer than my noteboard. But I know that it will happen; I just have to put my head down….

I really appreciate all of the emails and text messages. I miss all of my mates in the UK and will definitely be having a beer or two on the way through – take care and I can't wait to see you all. I will update soon and let you know how things are going, and in the meantime, take care.

Cheers

Paula