Still alive, sorry!
4 comments February 18th, 2010
I have been away from my blog for way too long. The reasons are predictable – I have been in the darkness for a long time, unsure of where I was headed, or how, and I never feel much like writing when that happens. But a couple of interesting things have happened of late.
Firstly, a young man by the name of Christian Bodegren set out from Cairo with camels last October. He had planned to walk my route in reverse, and I was watching him keenly, not least because I felt that if he succeeded in getting into Niger, that I would be duty bound to follow! But as of this week, Christian has announced that he is halting his expedition, having walked from the Red Sea into Libya. He is facing all the same bureaucratic nightmares I did in that part of the world, and is unsure if he will be able to continue.
Another adventurer, Mikael Strandberg, has also put his planned expedition on hold. He had proposed a mammoth trip from The Middle East across into the Sahara of Northern Africa. After two solid years of planning and fundraising, he has been forced into reconsidering, as a result of funding and bureaucratic issues.
All of this may sound like I am gloating over the misfortune of others. But that is not even close. Both these gentlemen are wonderful people, with solid experience and generous spirits. My heart goes out to them both, as I know firsthand the dreadful, crushing disappointment that heralds the end of an expedition, or idea.
I have dealt with it a lot the last couple of years; trying to go back to the Sahara, and finding it impossible; trying to organise a walk through the Australian desert, and getting utterly fed up with the bureaucratic issues involved in that. Most of all, I guess, beginning to realise that I didn’t actually WANT to walk through the Australian desert – and nor did I want a big ‘expedition’.
At the moment, I just want another low key stroll. I am thinking about doing another Camino, or maybe the Appalachian trail. I am thinking about a lot of things that don’t involve big money, or big dramas. I just want some space to clear my head, and maybe to write another book.
I have been really thrilled with the great reviews and feedback for Sahara, and it also feels like time for me to let go of that experience, and that book, for a while. I need to redefine myself, and find what my next adventure is. I am beginning to realise that trying to fight the need inside me to walk, is like trying to hold back a tidal wave. I am stupidly independent. I have found a few online reviewers who have described me as ‘selfish’, and I rather suspect they are right. Compromise is not my strong suit, and I like doing things my way, and doing what I know I need to. Those are selfish traits, and I am increasingly claiming them as my own. Oddly, I find, men are rarely accused of being selfish. They are ‘driven’, or ‘powerful’, or ‘success oriented’. But women who chase what they want – well, we are ‘selfish’.
I decided very recently that selfish it is. Being selfish cost me my marriage, and gained me a walk. No matter what the hurt, I would make the same decision again. And right now, it is time for me to be selfish again; for I have footsteps yet untread, both in my heart and on the earth.
I need to find a way to walk them again. And as soon as I do, I will let you know where….